Oho, being melodramatic I see in the last post. 
I mean there’s a new blog & you can get the address by emailing me to nsood @ middlebury. edu — I don’t want just everyone to read it anymore, that’s all.
even this blog will not be updated anymore; please contact me again to find me again.
I’m terribly sorry –
I’m just scared.
I shall be in India until the 8th of July.
The world shows you the green light, but do you need wait for it?
When you feel as if you do not belong to this world or better yet if you feel as not feeling to this moment this second that you’re breathing in, take your music — filled with whispers, sounds and noise — and disappear from everything that you now. Take a bus that you have never taken; it’s summer, the buses will run less frequently now and it will be hot so leave your jacket home. Wander in your city, because you’ll not get lost more than you already were during the time when you felt disconnected from everything around you. Feeling as if you exist, but that is all — losing the meaning, purpose.
This morning I traveled across Helsinki going from one place to another, starting at 8:15am and coming back home at 10:30am. I was in places where I had been before, but I took buses and routes that I had never taken before. Many people graduate today so many people were carrying roses in their hands, students were giggling and the sun was happily in love with a star that no one has named yet. I walked around. The leaves were as green as they ever could be, happily being tendered by their trees, bushes and flowers. I smoked a cigarette, my first morning cigarette and thought this is my last one when being sober. Inhaling, exhaling, smoke coming out of my lungs and throat fleeing into the air and my mind beginning to spin around once, twice, thrice. Smoking until the taste of the filter lingers into my tongue. Running to the another bus, barely catching it and finally out of breathe.
It suddenly strikes you that in the end you cannot wait for the green light to let you do the things you wish to do. The stage of being lost in a familiar way, knowing everything that is around you, but not knowing anything that is beyond you things you have not seen witnessed experienced touched felt. I am waiting for the green light in my life, I keep waiting and while you wait while you cease while your heartbeat says there’s nothing for me in this, you feel separated from the world as this second this moment this air you breathe is not meant to be inhaled. Leave the moment — wander for real, do not wander in your mind, because it is the worst thing anyone ever could do and getting lost there is fairly easy; no one can rescue you from there, you cannot dial nine-nine-one and ask them to find you a way out of your mind.
The only cure for temporary disconnection is to really disconnect from anything familiar for awhile. Let your mind be. Let yourself just be for a second. Or two. Or a day. The life is not about the green, red or yellow lights; it is about what you do, not what you might do.
This morning I traveled across Helsinki going from one place to another, starting at 8:15am and coming back home at 10:30am. I was in places where I had been before, but I took buses and routes that I had never taken before. Many people graduate today so many people were carrying roses in their hands, students were giggling and the sun was happily in love with a star that no one has named yet. I walked around. The leaves were as green as they ever could be, happily being tendered by their trees, bushes and flowers. I smoked a cigarette, my first morning cigarette and thought this is my last one when being sober. Inhaling, exhaling, smoke coming out of my lungs and throat fleeing into the air and my mind beginning to spin around once, twice, thrice. Smoking until the taste of the filter lingers into my tongue. Running to the another bus, barely catching it and finally out of breathe.
It suddenly strikes you that in the end you cannot wait for the green light to let you do the things you wish to do. The stage of being lost in a familiar way, knowing everything that is around you, but not knowing anything that is beyond you things you have not seen witnessed experienced touched felt. I am waiting for the green light in my life, I keep waiting and while you wait while you cease while your heartbeat says there’s nothing for me in this, you feel separated from the world as this second this moment this air you breathe is not meant to be inhaled. Leave the moment — wander for real, do not wander in your mind, because it is the worst thing anyone ever could do and getting lost there is fairly easy; no one can rescue you from there, you cannot dial nine-nine-one and ask them to find you a way out of your mind.
The only cure for temporary disconnection is to really disconnect from anything familiar for awhile. Let your mind be. Let yourself just be for a second. Or two. Or a day. The life is not about the green, red or yellow lights; it is about what you do, not what you might do.
The lights have stopped caring for us; I’ve stopped caring for the lights; I only care for you; and the lights only care for the sun.
- Kampala, Uganda, January 2008.
- Kampala, Uganda, January 2008.
Your friends tell you one thing & you listen to them. They think they know you and what is the best for you and the things they say aren’t said, because they don’t love you because they don’t like you, but because they care for you. You tell your friend that you’re in love and she says you’re too young to be in love and you say you’re really in love and she tells you that everyone thinks they’re in love, but in the end they find out that they were only obsessed about someone else. Your friend has gotten hurt at some point, you think. The observation might be right or it could be wrong. Maybe your friend just wants to protect you from something. Or perhaps she just doesn’t know how you actually feel, because in the end no one really knows how you feel except for you. You only have the access to your heart and your loved one is the another one who has the keys to your heart.
When your friend says no, but the one that keeps rushing blood in you from your legs to your brains says yes, you end up in a situation which might lead to I told you so, but you did the right decision then. Because you followed your heart, you followed the thing that keeps you alive, that is only working for you. Voices from the surrounding the world can clear out your mind, make things simpler, easier, but they are not the one living in you, breathing for you, making you what you are. Your bones, your lungs, cells, liver, heart and everything in you are the ones that make you what you are and even though you cannot listen to them, you cannot understand their language, you can, however, understand how and what they feel and you feel their feelings. When your heart is torn apart, you fell it. When your lungs are black, breathing becomes impossible. When you think you’re going crazy, no words no nothing can help you.
What to do in the situation when you hear two different things when you hear three different things when you hear an infinite number of things that could happen in your life? You have two options:
live by the rules that are given by the things that keep you alive
or
live by the rules that are given by the things that might or might not be there for you after seveteen years.
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even the sky is not as beautiful as you’re, my love.
A street lamp greets sadly: there’ll be no one next to me, he’s always there & I’m always here.
I had never been in love before and never thought I would ever be in love, yet I wrote about love I write stories where a snowman fell in love with a palm tree and that all made me happy. Relationships around me fell apart and I never wanted to engage myself with any person; I distanced myself from any emotional connection as I had failed with my two major crushes, with the Muslim person and the elderly man who I met accidentally in Durban. I ended up kissing girls who liked me in a way or another, although I kept telling myself no one would ever like me and my friends wanted to prove me that no Nitin, they do like you, they do and I laughed every time I heard it. Soon I was cornered and I began to hurt people who were close to me with my reckless behavior. I broke hearts, I was not the person I was suppose to be. And I continued doing it.
It has been two months since I said the words I love you aloud — even in drama classes I was not willing to say I love you when we had to yell it scream it pretend like we were madly in love I was simply not able to do it. I thought I would lose those words they were the only thing I had anymore. As a naive idealistic romantic bastard I hoped that the first kiss I had would be with the person I loved, but instead the person I kissed for the first time said Nitin I don’t wish to fall in love with you and we both knew why she said that I knew it she knew it the world knew it. I was eighteen-years-old. Yes I had not kissed before that, because I thought kissing was suppose to mean something. It didn’t until last February.
I’m in love with a person who lives in Croatia. I live in Finland. We met in France. And there’s nothing else I want than to kiss him fell him tell him that I love him. My world is around him all the time whenever wherever it doesn’t matter. Instead of distancing myself, I got completely clingy. I fell, he is everything. As harsh and naive it sounds, he caught my attention that very moment when I saw him for the first time. There was no doubt, I had fallen for him that second. I was lost, more lost than ever.
And I haven’t seen him ever since. Today we had a video chat for the first time. So close, but not close enough. His smile, his eyes, his hair, his everything. I becoming a street lamp that greets people sadly, because I’m losing my energy. I know there’s someone, but he’s there and I’m here.
I breathe for the station that takes me to you.
He says something and your heartbeat just rises — anything nothing everything and your whole world just twists around it says I’m in love and you say that I can’t be, because because, always looking for reasons to avoid the feeling that scares everyone that nearly no one dares to face as it is too scary too vivid too there, they say. Whenever he writes, anything nothing everything, my world tells me to go run escape he’s for you he’s perfect he’s everything you wanted and even more, people settle for smaller and you’ve this this amazing thing in your hands and still you can’t take it into your heart. I read his statuses on Facebook and I think I love him. I see a girl in the city that reminds me of his friend and I think I love him. I see an episode of a drama show and I think I love him. Ever since I met him, not a day has passed without me mentioning his name to someone without thinking what he has been eating today what he has been listening to today what has he what has he and my heartbeat runs a marathon when he just rings me and hangs up just to tell me that Nitin I’m thinking of you and I honestly cannot remember life without him, I cannot even imagine what life is without him being there. I always craved to be in love & it hurts, but it makes you happy more than happy more than euphoric and one day you just realize I’m in love and there’s no way out. Because when you fall in love, you fall & never rise back. It’s the beginning and the ending. All in one story.
rootless trees never cry, rootless leaves never leave and rootless people never stay.
This morning slightly after waking up, not having to go to work as I did not want to work today, I thought of that maybe I should quit smoking. I took a shower and continued my thoughts that maybe I could back in time and smoke only one a day and feel that aspiring feeling which caused me to smoke cigarettes. While I waited at the bus stop which was covered in blue paint, I lit my first morning cigarette, a menthol Smart, and inhaled the first nicotine of the day, a feeling that’s almost comparable to kissing S in Strasbourg, I decided not to smoke as much anymore. In Helsinki, I went to a kiosk to buy a pack of my favorite cigarettes, green Davidoff and they informed that it’s out of stock and no more is coming as the importer has decided not to order them anymore. Another nice lady said that we might have one carton, went to the storage room and found one and then immediately began to sell the whole thing to me, saying with a great enthusiasm that this might be the last carton and you definitely need these, you’re a smoker and I smiled gently, telling her that I don’t have that much money with me, but agreed to buy five packs of Menthol Davidoff. I told myself just one a day. I already smoked half of a pack and I’m planning to buy the rest of packs tomorrow.
the soap bubbles never get old, they born young and die young.
I feel as if this year has been full of things that were never suppose to happen or not as soon as they happened. My parents were not suppose to find out that I was not as straight as they thought I was, I was not suppose to fall in love with the most amazing man ever and plan to get married with him and throw everything away for a person that I had barely known for a week, I was not suppose to go a college in the United States, I was not suppose to be in Finland at this very moment, not suppose to, not suppose to, and I wonder what does it even mean when something is suppose to happen? I plan and plan and plan and yet nothing happens according to my plans. My life is written entirely itself.
everything gets old in the end. nothing gets younger.
I feel misplaced.
& Finite.
